The Domestication of Jesus (a video message by Brian McLaren)

I have recently finished reading Brian McLaren's new book, Everything Must Change. I am working on a review of the book that will appear on our blog site Feasting on Books soon. However, I discovered through McLaren's website, Deep Shift, and YouTube, this video vignette of Brian sharing about some of the issues he brings up in the book. It's a powerful message to all of us who claim to be followers of Jesus but who also find ourselves in a culture of Christianity where Jesus has become little more than a token symbol we wear on our shirts, bracelets, hats, or other apparel (even license plates). McLaren challenges the current status quo in how we have "domesticated Jesus."

I Remember the Man as a Boy

(This title comes from a song by Michael Kelly Blanchard on his Imago Dei CD)

A few weeks ago I received word that a boy I had known from my home church in South Carolina died. Of course, I knew him when we were just boys in middle and high school primarily. But, we both had grown to become men. I went into Ministry, he a Systems Analyst. I lost touch with him and his family over the years (especially since I left South Carolina and moved to KY and now live in Indiana) and even back then we were not what you might call close friends. We did not go to the same schools, but we did go to the same church and I remember him, his brother (who was closer to my age), sister and his parents with great affection and respect.

I knew him by the name David but his family called him Davis. I remember Davis as a very funny, sharp witted boy who was quick with the humor and generally just fun to be around. You never really knew what he might say (or do). Usually, it was something fall-down, rolling over laughing kind of stuff that might cause you to snort your milk out of your nose if you had just taken a drink. I have a lot of fond memories of that because I enjoy humor and laughing. I believe God gifts people like Davis in this way, because God knows there are people like me who need people around them to help them laugh and enjoy life.

With all that said though, Davis’ death is very saddening to me on several levels. One, I wish we had never lost touch. I received an email from Davis’ sister where she made the comment, “I wish you could have known Davis as he grew into a man.” Indeed I wish I had been able to - not only to know him as he grew into a man, but also his sister and brother as they have grown into the young woman and young man that they are today as well. Another level of sadness is just that Davis was so young when he died – 40. It may not seem like a fair assessment, but it always feels so much more tragic when people die so young. Finally, I am also saddened that Davis, his brother and sister, as well as their parents have had to endure so much pain and heartache over the prejudices, hatred, violence, and discrimination imposed upon them by others, especially by people who say they believe in and follow Jesus - the church. You see, Davis was gay. Over the years, I knew this about Davis and also that his brother Paul is gay and his sister is lesbian. But, I never really knew all the things this family has had to endure. It deeply troubles me that the church, people who say they follow Jesus, would treat people who are gay and lesbian with so much hatred and discrimination that they are willing to be violent and reject them to the point that they are, in many congregations unwelcome. It is an issue that the current church is going to have to deal with in more healthy and genuinely open ways so that people who are gay and lesbian and their families don’t feel like they have to pretend and try to blend into the woodwork of their congregations as if they don’t really exist or that the issues are not real and hurtful when they feel the sting of rejection and isolation. The church needs to be available to gay and lesbian people and their families and surround them with the love of Christ. I could wax on about this, but I want you to read Davis’ mom’s story, which is about her own struggle and hope for the future. She has given me permission to post her op-ed piece which she wrote back in 2000 entitled, From My Heart:

From My Heart by Margie Candler (originally an op-piece March 2000)

On the day after Thanksgiving in 1979, I went shopping for Christmas gifts for my children. Once I arrived home I carefully locked everything up and began to look around for a place to hide the key. I finally decided a good place would be a pine cone arrangement located in our bedroom. I began to move some of the pine cones aside and saw a small piece of paper folded up many times. I pulled it out, unfolded it, and saw these words, “Dear Mom and Dad: I love you very much. I hope you will not find this note until I am at least 18 and out of the house, but I am gay. This is not your fault. I am still your son. I love you, Paul.” He was 15 years old. He later told me that he had placed that note in the arrangement when he was 11 years old. I remember feeling so stunned, actually numb, and thinking, “I can’t handle this.” I never thought of my son and what he was going through in trying to understand himself.

My husband and I both grew up in the Southern Baptist Church. Our families were very active in the church. We taught Sunday School, served on various committees, and my husband served as a Deacon for many years. All three of our children were brought up in the church. We were there almost every time the door opened. However, when our eldest son conveyed to us through that note that he was gay, I thought only of myself and what “other people” would think. Would our friends turn against us? Would the church ask us to leave? I did not think about the courage it must have taken for my son to tell us of his homosexuality. I did not think what he must be enduring in coming to terms with his sexuality.

I know now that my husband and I dealt with the issue the best we knew how considering the bad information we had at the time. But oh, how I ache in my heart for putting my son through what he had to endure. I so regret those days and weeks that he had to go through, while we tried to get him to change. How sad, that he and other gay children go through the agony of trying to learn to accept who they are only to feel the sting of rejection from their own parents. Paul has told us he knew he was different from the time he was six years old. He didn’t know what being gay was, he only knew he was not like some of the other boys in our neighborhood. He must have felt so alone, with no role model or anyone with whom he could talk or ask questions. We are so fortunate that our son has such a strong personality. We could easily have lost him to suicide. Many of our gay young people commit suicide, in the depths of despair, when their families and society reject them.

We took Paul to psychologist after psychologist, trying to find one that would tell us he could “cure him.” We were fortunate that in the years of the early ‘80s, the four psychologist that we talked with told us, “Your son cannot be changed. It is you that needs to change your attitude.” After hearing that for the fourth time, I decided that if I wanted to keep a relationship with my son, then I needed to learn something about homosexuality.
Back in 1980 there were no books in the bookstores about homosexuality. I had to go to the bookseller and ask them to order the books I needed. I remember the embarrassment I felt in having to ask for some of the titles. But I knew if I wanted to learn something I had to be strong enough to ask. Reading one book, would always lead me to another. Thank goodness they usually have a list of other titles in the back, that would lead me to other books. One of the first books I read was Now That You Know, by Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward. I wish I had received a copy of that book on the day I found the note. It would have explained so much for me and I may have understood a little better. But I didn’t have it and I didn’t understand. Due to that lack of understanding, Paul ran away from home on several occasions. At first he left for brief stays before returning home. Six months later, due to the pressures my husband and I put on him to change, he ran away from home for the final time, at the age of 15. He was gone for a year.

Unless you have experienced it, you can never fully understand the hurt and ache in your heart when you know your child is out there, somewhere, alone. You worry about his safety, his lack of money or food. You worry about whether he is dead or alive. You worry about who will influence him and what will happen to him.
We did not know where he was until six weeks later. He finally called and told us he was in New York City. He has said that he felt like the only way he could survive was to get away. His life was not easy on the streets of New York City. Most of his story is in the book by Chastity Bono, Family Outing, along with his brother Davis’ story. It’s not a pretty story, especially in the beginning. My husband and I both thought that after we had come to terms with Paul’s homosexuality, accepting his friends into our home, that he felt our acceptance. It wasn’t until we read his story in Chastity Bono’s book that we realized that due to our silence on the issue, and our not being willing to talk to anyone about it, both of our sons still felt the sting of our rejection.

As Southern Baptist, who were uneducated about homosexuality, we understood only that the word homosexuality meant someone who was different, who didn’t fit the norm and was rejected by society. When our child suddenly applied that word to himself, we had to come face to face with what we had been taught all our lives and the person we knew our son to be. Our thoughts were: Where did we go wrong? What did we do as parents that caused this to happen? We now know these are normal feelings for most parents. It’s easy to blame yourself, when in actuality, there is no blame on anyone’s part. Our children are just who they authentically were meant to be. I have come to believe that my children are gay, not because of my failures as a parent, but because of genetics. Although no studies are conclusive, evidence strongly indicates a genetic component. But even if it were not genetic, it no longer matters to me. I love my children. I am proud of the person they have become… good, kind, thoughtful, loving human beings.

But, in the meantime, our silence was hurting our son. We were silent about our son’s homosexuality for 12 years. We talked to each other about it, and yes, we had talked with our minister, but other than that, we were silent. It was not until Carole Lender and Leslie Johnson, two wonderful women in our community who also have gay sons, started a PFLAG group (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) that we finally started the coming out process. PFLAG is a national organization that promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons (GLBT), their families and friends. PFLAG changed our lives. We now met other parents who had gay children. Other parents who also loved their children, were willing to speak out in a positive way, and didn’t care who knew they had a gay child. PFLAG gave us a place to share our feelings and to learn about homosexuality. We learned, first hand, what gay people endure. We heard so many sad stories. Many were much worse than what our sons had faced.

One young man sat at the meeting and cried as he shared his story. His father was a minister. His father had become seriously ill and was on his death bed. The young man went to see him, and his father’s last dying words to him were, “I hate you. You are going to Hell.” The young man could not reconcile with those words. His pain was beyond belief. How sad it is that families are torn apart over homosexuality, often times beyond reconciliation.
And then, there is the story of Cliff. Cliff had finally told his parents he was gay. His sister told him that once their mother learned this information about her son, she took all of his pictures down from the walls and said she no longer had a son. When Christmas came that year, his mother sent him word that she could not stop him from coming home for Christmas, because his grandmother would wonder why he didn’t come, but if he came, he needed to find another place to stay. Needless to say, he didn’t go.

We learned that our other son is gay when he was 22 years old. He had a much easier time of being accepted by our family. By the time he told us that he is gay, I had studied and read enough about homosexuality to understand and accept it without being concerned at all. I was able to tell him what I wish I could have told my older son and that is “I love you. It does not matter. You are still my son and I’m proud of you.”
Our daughter came out to us as a lesbian in 1993. While she was fearful of the coming out process, she knew she was loved and she knew she would never be rejected by her family. What a joy to be able to share in their lives. To feel a closeness that we would never have experienced had we not been willing to understand them.

One thing Paul said that will forever let me know he has truly forgiven us our mistakes in our journey to acceptance. When he was asked if his relationship with his family had ever truly healed. He said, “I don’t harbor any resentment toward my parents. My parents are like heroes to me.” Thank God for children who will forgive and who understand we had to have time to learn, to become educated and change attitudes.

Many people try to tell us it is a choice. Well, I ask you to think about it for a minute. Can you imagine anyone who would choose to live a life in which they are hated and discriminated against? Why would someone choose to be something that horrifies their parents, which could ruin their chances of advancement in their careers or possibly even lose their jobs? Would they choose to be gay even though their religion condemns them? Would they choose to be gay even when it could cost them their lives because of homophobic people who hate gays?
The hate and discrimination that is shown by society toward our gay loved ones is wrong. Society tries to portray gay people as being deviant, child molesters, and promiscuous individuals. The media focuses on a small segment of the gay community and implies that this is how all gay people live their lives. They ignore the fact that there are many gay persons who live their lives the same way as you or I do. All people deserve to be treated fairly and loved as fellow human beings.

Our children have caused us to rethink all of our beliefs, to re-examine our own prejudices, and to have an open mind. They have made us more aware of the hurts in this world and helped us become more caring about other people who are considered “different.” We can honestly look back today, and know we have been truly blessed.
Our goal now is to try to educate others, and through that education try to eliminate hate and discrimination against GLBT people. My husband and I have been active members of PFLAG for approximately 7 years. Through the help of PFLAG, and our children, we have learned to counter-act the thoughtless words and ignorant remarks made by others. My husband and I have learned that if we want our children to have respect and equal opportunities in life, then we must work to gain that opportunity, not only for our children, but for all gay persons. We have learned that it’s not our children who need to change, it’s society that needs to change. Our children are okay the way they are.

While my husband and I have not lost our faith, we have been extremely disappointed in our denomination’s stand on homosexuality. In the beginning, my faith was a hindrance because of all the bad information about homosexuality was instilled in me from the time I was a child growing up in the Baptist Church. But later, I realized that my strong faith in God has given me the courage to speak out against bigotry and hatred against anyone who is different.
On May 8, 1993, our oldest son, Paul, told us he was HIV. I felt so helpless. I was engulfed with fear, fear about what was going to happen to him and fear about the difficulties he faced in combating HIV/AIDS. While I have always felt myself to be a strong person emotionally, I was not prepared for something of this magnitude. Educating myself on the issue of AIDS has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. Many people think that this disease can’t happen to them. Unfortunately it can and does happen to all kinds of people. We are all vulnerable to becoming involved with AIDS, either directly or indirectly.

Several months ago, Chaplain Steven Charleston, of Trinity College, wrote about the church’s silence on the issue of homosexuality. I think his words not only fit the issue of homosexuality, but also the issue of AIDS. He said:

The silence of well meaning educated people who pretend to have an enlightened view of homosexuality while quietly tolerating the abuse of gays and lesbians in their own communities. The silence of our elected officials who have the authority to make changes, but prefer to count votes. The silence of the majority of “straight” Americans who shift uncomfortably when confronted by the thought that gays and lesbians may be no different from themselves, save for the fact that they are walking targets for bigotry, disrespect, and cheap humor…. We are men and women surrounded by the silence of our own fear. Our fear of those who are different. Our fear of taking an unpopular position for the sake of those who can not stand alone. Our fear of social and religious change. Our fears come in many forms, but it always comes silently. A whispered joke. A glance to look away from the truth. These silent acts of our own fear of homosexuality are acted out everyday. Through silence, we give ourselves permission to practice what we pretend to abhor. With silence, we condemn scores of our neighbors to live in the shadows of hate. In silence, we observe the suffering of any group of people who have been declared expendable by our society. I resolve to never allow this silence to have the last word.

I, as one mother who loves her children and aches at the pain visited on all our gay and lesbian children, refuse to be silent.